Poem In Progress

whole ache
not heart
hole ache
broke place
bitter make
lonely lingers as fog
babies smiles are the traces of love's mistakes

Judgment rock
Pastors, teachers, other men mock

deflecting their contribution to the landscape
pitching their earth onto my conscious
"should have known better.."
just a whole ache

Moles

I sat on your lap
In the big chair by the lamp
My short legs barely reached your calf
You indulged my silly stories
As you laughed that's when I noticed them
I was three

I am five now kneeling next to you on the sofa
Blowing zerberts on your cheek
Your skin was soft and firm
I count them on your neck and play connect the dots
I ask you why do they exist and you say "God gave them to me"

At 12, I am on the other side of the room
The real distance between us is hard to explain
But while we yell at each other
I can see them staring back at me
I look down and notice one on my inner arm

Sixteen
I put makeup on in the living room mirror
You tell me how pretty I am
And I say "Just like my Nana"
As I line my lips with eye liner, I am careful to avoid the one growing on my chin

At 18, we yell some more
While you cry about the accommodations at my college dorm
I quickly hug you goodbye
I run back upstairs to shower and change
I towel off
There's one growing on my inner thigh

At 24, they are hard to see because your smile is so wide
My newborn son swaddled and snug on your arms
Wrapped in love

I am 31 now
And you are gone
I see them on my hands as I grab tissues, cry and finish this poem