Poem In Progress

whole ache
not heart
hole ache
broke place
bitter make
lonely lingers as fog
babies smiles are the traces of love's mistakes

Judgment rock
Pastors, teachers, other men mock

deflecting their contribution to the landscape
pitching their earth onto my conscious
"should have known better.."
just a whole ache

Moles

I sat on your lap
In the big chair by the lamp
My short legs barely reached your calf
You indulged my silly stories
As you laughed that's when I noticed them
I was three

I am five now kneeling next to you on the sofa
Blowing zerberts on your cheek
Your skin was soft and firm
I count them on your neck and play connect the dots
I ask you why do they exist and you say "God gave them to me"

At 12, I am on the other side of the room
The real distance between us is hard to explain
But while we yell at each other
I can see them staring back at me
I look down and notice one on my inner arm

Sixteen
I put makeup on in the living room mirror
You tell me how pretty I am
And I say "Just like my Nana"
As I line my lips with eye liner, I am careful to avoid the one growing on my chin

At 18, we yell some more
While you cry about the accommodations at my college dorm
I quickly hug you goodbye
I run back upstairs to shower and change
I towel off
There's one growing on my inner thigh

At 24, they are hard to see because your smile is so wide
My newborn son swaddled and snug on your arms
Wrapped in love

I am 31 now
And you are gone
I see them on my hands as I grab tissues, cry and finish this poem

Fragile?

$25 Copays
Anne Lamott books and raspberry lattes
Too many "Hey, Lord" it's me days
To buy myself back
So...no, I can't put up with that

Double Fisted (short)

no show and no y
two am and I am pissed
Two phones mucho dial

Power of Me

I have to tell you that today is one of the roughest days I have had in a long time.

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. I didn’t care that I was late. I was just speeding downhill.

I heard a friends voice on my walk to the train station and you I remembered her telling me that I was working everyday for me and son.


I got to work and I was standing at the elevators and thought, “ I am going to have to go on an anti-depressant. As I unpacked my bag, I thought about how I cannot afford another monthly bill and that is all a new medication would be.


I prayed as I filled up my coffee press. The serenity prayer was all I could think of. “Lord help me to accept the things I cannot change, give me the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

As I walked back to my desk, I thought this:

“How would I behave if I knew that I was only X amount of months away from my miracle? Would I act differently? Wouldn’t I be more focused on the victory over my situation instead of this troubling and dark moment. Lastly, I thought that I need to be fully engaged in creating my own miracles and making my own change.”


That’s my new and improved attitude: I am counting down to my miracle. I don’t know when it is going to happen but I want the lift and light that only come from focusing on the goodness of God to permeate my life. That is an attitude I can have every day because my attitude and more importantly my actions are all things I can change.

The Inauguration Is Over

I find it difficult to even articulate my emotions at this moment. How does one stand in a deluge and contemplate a rain drop? My thoughts could fill a sea. In the coming days and weeks, even months and years, it will become clearer what this moment really means. However for now, I have to try and hold it together; not unleash the cry that swells deep in my spirit. A cry for peace, that means you too Israel. A cry for equality and love and justice and righteousness and just some “do right” and everything that we all want and all of it right now! And unlike before, I am not crying alone. My voice is but one in a chorus of Americans. We will be singing as we are working. As I am writing to my complacent congressman, my useless state senator and my unknown judges. That cry has to be tempered into daily speech and widdeled down to choice splinters of truth that I carefully administer in my discussion and actions. For today, is the culmination of something that I felt months ago and my ancestors prayed for year after year. Right now, I am just thankful.

Uncouthku: Thoughts on the Moment

Take the placebo
Believe you can change your life
If it works its real